Me Vs. Me
A Story of Depression, Isolation, Loneliness, & the Road To Recovery
As a child, I never knew or understood what real happiness was. I was like almost every other child who grew up in the 80s/90s watching sitcoms such as “The Cosby Show, Blossom, Step by Step, Sister Sister, and the list goes on. I also grew up watching a lot of teen dramas, 90210 & Melrose place anyone? I mean I could tell you the entire back story for every character for each of these shows like they were members of my extended family. Then my life changed somewhere between the preteen and teenage years when I had to grow up a lot faster than most and shoulder a lot more responsibility than many who were my age. My mother became ill, I was one of seven children in a blended family who, if I am being honest, did not really fit in with any of my siblings, and thus I always felt like I was on the outside of the looking glass struggling to peak in and be seen. I also struggled a lot with my own self-visualizations. I was the smart kid, the dependable kid, the gifted and talented kid, the one who everyone else came to talk to, but, I also was the lonely kid, the overweight and not-so-pretty kid (so I thought of myself at the time), the awkward kid (who pretended to be confident), and the kid who was always forgotten.
Okay, so that is my backstory or at least part of it, trust me you don’t want to hear the rest. You know how I was in love with Tom Crusie from the age of 11, or how I had all the posters of every teen heartthrob in Hollywood covering every inch of my wall space in my bedroom, or how I wrote to Hulk Hogan that time when he was burnt up during a wrestling match only to discover that it was all fake! Yea that ended my love of the WWF (now the WWE). I was a typical kid, feeling lost in the world, without anyone to really rely on, to talk to, or connect with. Everyone assumed I was okay because I was always smiling and laughing, joking and moving about. No one knew that I was depressed and lonely. No one knew that I was craving affection, and dare I say it, attention too. Attention is not a dirty word, we all want it, meaningful moments spent with someone you love uninterrupted by the universe. That is all attention really means, to actually be present with someone at the moment and pay attention to them.
Over the years I have found that I have become a very good actress. I mean some of the performances I have done are oscar worthy! I have learned to express emotions of joy and happiness so as to not make others around me feel uncomfortable because during those moments I was actually crying inside and dying a little more every second I had to spend with them faking it. But I made it through, all of those inadequate, awkward, cumbersome, and tense moments, by smiling.
I have gotten many many compliments about my smile, and how beautiful and bright it was. Some even called it infectious. One lady from church told me that she smiled simply because I smiled at her and it made her feel better. I thought to myself, what a tall order! It was at that moment that I tried to always keep a smile on my face because, as they say (whoever they are), you never know who’s watching. As I am writing this I am reminded of a time when I didn’t smile, because I hadn’t learned the value and importance of what faking a good smile could mean and how it would greatly benefit me. We will just refer to that time as the “unenlightened years”. It was a very difficult time because my experience as a child, preteen, and teenager, was not typical. I cared for my mother intensely, which I do not regret for a single moment, and carried on into adulthood until her passing. In many ways, caring for my mother helped to prepare me for caring for my daughter, who would be born very early and have special needs. It was a life that was hard but not tragic, challenging but not destitute, lonely but not forsaken. It was during this time that I reconnected to the church family that I grew up with and that gave me hope when at one time I had lost all essence of it.
Religion, God, and the church have always played a significant role in my life’s journey. It has provided me with a space to grieve, love, nurture, hope, cry, be sheltered and comforted, be angry and hurt, and let go and move on. Yet, even in the church, I was faking that glowing smile that I had become so famous for, because let’s face it, no one really wants to know that you feel dead inside. I often felt isolated in a room filled with people, but you would never know it. Like the time I hosted this huge graduation party for myself, which was a big deal because it was a house party and I was the only kid my dad let have one! The entire neighborhood and school turned out (at least that’s how it felt). There was food, I had a DJ playing in my living room, and there were people everywhere, inside and outside in both the front and backyards. It was epic! People talked about that party forever! But, I was absent. Don’t get me wrong, physically I was there, but my mind was focusing on what not to do to embarrass myself in front of the entire school. So I would talk to myself in my head a lot, making plans, creating tasks and challenges, remembering all the mistakes I have ever made, and determining within myself to never make those mistakes again. It is something that I still do today.
Fast forward to adulthood and the present day, I have discovered why I was always so miserable. Why I have always felt so alone and unloved. And why I fake my infectious smile. It's simply because I trained myself long ago to present myself to the world with a picture-perfect persona that I watched on television, in movies, and read in books growing up. No one talks about the lonely girl, dressed in all black, who always has a blank look or frown on her face in a positive light. They always see her as “the loner”, depressed, sad, and deviant to steer clear of who is undoubtedly destined to live a hard knock life. I didn’t want that look of pity to be cast upon me, thus I became an award-winning actress that no one has ever heard of, but everyone knows.
What is depression? Well, it is defined as “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think, and how you act.” For me, depression is equivalent to isolation. So what then is isolation? Isolation is simply defined as “seclusion, the state of one who is alone”. Which brings me to loneliness, well I think you can connect the dots. Depression = Isolation = Loneliness
So now that I got that all out in the open, you may ask the question, what now? What’s next? Where do we go from here? To which my answer is nothing. What now? I have identified the problem. What’s next? I have to accept that there is a problem, and of course, I acknowledge and accept that as fact. Where do we go from here? Now, this is the million-dollar question!
Where do we go from here, on the road to recovery? The road to recovery is a key factor in my overall wellness journey. I wrote a while back about my weight loss journey, about the impact of my physical appearance, my battle with weight, the struggle to lose and keep it off, and what I did to overcome it. It’s a two-prong attack, the physical versus the spiritual, or rather the outer persona versus the inner person. Who I appear on the outside needs to reflect who I am on the inside. But more importantly, who I want to present to the world has to be who I actually am and want to be on the inside, someone who is happy, full of love and peace, and excited for the adventures life has in store. But in order to do this a few things would have to change first.
Selfcare is the best care and we should never feel guilty about putting ourselves and our needs first. I have created a self-care routine that I have recently implemented. It’s all about the little things in life that can make all the difference in how much you enjoy or dislike your life. I take time each week to do small but important things that I need to bring a real smile to my face. I have decided to make a standing appointment with my beautician to get my hair done on the same day and time each week. It's not expensive, the styles are not outrageous, and it makes me happy to see my hair look healthy. I wake up every morning and just thank God for another day. I make myself a nice large cup of hot herbal tea and pita bread with apricot preserves (it's the only sweet treat I allow myself). It may sound silly but allow yourself time to cry. The world can be a very hard place to live in sometimes. No matter what side of the tracks you are on, life is not ever 100% positive. So cry. Cry and then let go.
Second, you must be willing to work the physical and mental muscles God has blessed you with. Exercise of the body and mind is critical to good self-care and mental health. As for the physical, I am creating a home gym in my backyard because let’s face it, gym memberships are crazy expensive and I never have the time these days to go across town to work out as I should. I hope to have it finished in the next few weeks. This will enable me to truly work out whenever I want and need to burn off some steam. With regard to the mental, I have downloaded the audible app and have purchased a lot of books on everything from how to manage stress to building a successful business and everything in between.
Most importantly, I have decided to not only be honest with myself about what I want, need, and feel I deserve, but I have also decided to be honest with those who are part of my life in the most meaningful of ways. From my dad and siblings to my closest friends and cousins, to the new man in my life who I am hoping will stick around for a while.
You cannot have an open, honest, fulfilling relationship with others in your circle if you first don’t have one established with yourself. Take the time you need to reflect, repair, and rejuvenate yourself. Mental health, self-care, physical health, and emotional and spiritual health, are all vital to human existence and the human experience. We are not robots, slinking along each day, a new moon rises and we are still down; a new sun rises and we are nowhere to be found. Each and every new day brings new life and light into the universe; a new opportunity to make our lives just a little brighter, our world just a little better. With effort, and an honest look at ourselves, we can, we shall, and we will overcome this battle too.
