My Second Act

I know that it has been a while since I have published anything and the truth of the matter is life has thrown me a lot of curve balls. This article will not be your typical article in that it will be highly personal, which of course is my specialty, but it will also be something that is completely unexpected because its blatantly honest, transparent, and necessary for people out there to know that they are not alone in their journey, whatever that means to them, where ever they are on it, for however long they have been traveling. We all deal with, go through, and try our best to overcome stuff, situations, trials, tribulations, crisis, blowbacks, setbacks, and the list goes on. But, so long as we still have breath in our lungs we have a chance at a Second Act!

Last year I devoted a lot of time and energy into self reflection, trying to determine what made me, well me. I also decided to take the advice of one of the greatest musicians to ever live, I decided to look at the woman in the mirror, because I wanted to make a change and I knew it had to begin within. With that I took inventory of all the things I did not like about myself, my height, my weight, my skin complexion, my tremendous need to fix things, my excessive need to over compensate for what I felt were my short comings, my inability to let go of the past and replay those moments over and over in my head. I also did not like the fact that I always felt insecure around what Prince would call “the beautiful people”.

Then there was the anger and hurt that I always felt every time I would look at the news and see another person of color die at the hands of police or another person of color. I was also angry because so many people seemed to not understand, either for lack of effort or lack of concern, or the simple fact that it did not affect them directly so they could never really truly understand. I was also angry because my shame of a marriage fell apart faster then the time it took to put it together. The anger I felt towards the men in my life who have hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, abandoned, and rapped me. I was angry because there was nothing I could do about any of these things, yet they affected me so deeply that I could never truly get over it.

Then comes the incredible sadness, insecurity, lack of self love, increase discomfort around any and everyone who actually seemed to care because how could I trust that? The mixed emotions and singles I gave off and felt that I received. The lack of honest and loyalty in relationships from friends and family to colleagues and potential romances, if you can call it that. The nights of endless tears and insomnia because my brain just wouldn’t shut down. Replaying the what if scenarios, past scenes of my epic failings, fights and what I felt were scandalous moments that reshaped and redefined who I thought I was into whom I would become. But who was that person? What did she stand for, what did she fight against, what was her passion and purpose, and why was she even here? I told you this would be raw, uncut, transparent, and completely honest.

So as you can see, I have a lot of conflicts to work through and for the most part I have. I put in the work, lots and lots of work, to get to a point where I feel I can breath again. We all have masks that we hide behind each day and a different mask depending on the situation, people, location, and conversation. We put on these masks not to just protect ourselves from others but to also protect others from us. We dare not let anyone completely in because we don’t want them to seek how fragile we actually are, how insecure or insignificant we feel, or how devastatingly lonely and lost we tend to be. People, clinicians, phycologists, counselors all would refer to this as depression, and in most cases they would be right. However, for me its more than that, or rather, it isn’t that at all. I am not depressed, although I can get that way sometimes. What I am, rather, is a person who lives inside her head and is unable to find a way out. This begins the story of my Second Act, how I was able to get there, and why it works for me, and perhaps how it can also work for you.

Fast forward to present day, I have two amazing kids who are now young adults, both out of high school and heading off to live their own lives. With that comes a great sigh of relief that I actually did my job as a single parent well, and a great sense of loss because I will have an empty nest soon and have no clue what its like to live all by myself. This is both concerning and exciting for me because I get to live a full life at a relatively young age of 42, and do the things I wanted to do in my 20’s but couldn’t because I had young children. As you know, if you have been following my blog, I began my weight loss journey last year just before my 42nd birthday and have since had seen significant improvement in my weight, my overall body size and appearance, and my outlook on life itself and my place in the world.

My journey has taken me in many different directions from health and fitness to food and family, from relationships and the ability to openly communicate with the people in those varying relationships, to a rejuvenation of my mind, who I saw myself as, and whom I wanted to actually become. There is a quote from the book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama which says “Confidence, I’d learned then, sometimes needs to be called from within. I’ve repeated the same words to myself many times now, through many climbs.” Called from within, I kept saying that to myself repetitively as though I was screaming to my inner self, shake loose, come out of this, pry the bars open, break the chains, and set yourself free. But no amount of exercise, hiking, running, boxing, writing, sketching, drafting, creating, or writing could help me do this. “Prayer works, it changes things, it changes people, and it can change you too!” My old pastor Bishop Eugene Harris would often say in his sermons growing up. And while this is true, I need more than just prayer alone, I needed more than to just put in the work, I needed more than passion projects and community activism to set my soul at ease and my mind at peace. I needed more, but what was it and where could I find it?

I began gardening, I love herbal plants and growing my own veggies, I take tremendous pride in the fact that I can grow things. This brought me much peach and a sense of accomplishment that I did something worth doing. I also took up yoga, it was okay for a while, and I still do it, but this too wasn’t enough. I had reached an impasse, and a point of no return. I had to decide where to go from here but the direction was certainly not clear. Then there was the return of my first love, the art of dance and the music behind it. Of course where I am there are no real dance halls, only clubs and bars, so I would pretend and dance with myself at night in my backyard because my house, well lets just say it can be featured in tiny house magazine. This too worked for a while, but nothing seemed to do the trick long term. I also spoke to counselors, was on medication for a while, non of which helped at all, in fact, it only made me more anxious, insecure, frustrated, and angry that it didn’t work. The Dalai Lama XIV has said “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”

Which brings me to the here and now, acceptance. One of my favorite actors, Michael J. Fox, is quoted as saying “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” I have to accept that there are things in my life that I can not change, and change those things that are in my power to do so. I have to accept that I have made mistakes and perhaps done some things, maybe many things, that I am not proud of and forgive myself for those things. I have to accept that I was abused, abandoned, rapped, lied to, cheated on, hurt, scarred, mistreated, and wounded, but know that while it has changed me, it does not define me. I have to accept that there are people who hurt people because at some point they too were hurt, and while this does not excuse their behavior it brings clarity to why it happened and enables me to see them as human and not solely as monsters for the things they have done. I have to accept that while life happens, things happen, situations happen, I also have within me the power to choose. I have the power to choose happiness over sadness, to see things in the light in spite of it being shrouded by darkness, to see the glass for its potential and not just because it is half empty or half full, but that one day it can be overflowing. Acceptance is a powerful thing and forgiveness is equally so. We have to be able to do both in order to move forward and be that better version of ourselves we want to see when we look in the mirror. James Baldwin once said “Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

So cheers to my Second Act and to yours. I hope that this article helps and inspires those out there like me to take life by both hands and reclaim their time in it. Accept that which you cannot change, change that which you are able to, forgive those who have hurt you, and forgive yourself for those things which you are not proud of. “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” — Deborah Reber, “Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul”.

“What self-acceptance does is open up more possibilities of succeeding because you aren’t fighting yourself along the way.” ― Shannon Ables. Acceptance and forgiveness is an act of love for yourself and for the world around you. It is an act of empowerment for yourself that will enable to to propel forward and climb new heights. It is an act of courage to say I am sorry, and an act of encouragement to say I forgive you. Take that leap of faith, go forward knowing that all you have done, all you do, and all you will ever do, has lead you to this defining moment, your ability and willingness to accept and to forgive.