What is in a name?

By Chandra L. Pinto Martinez

I have come to question a lot about who I am as a person, as an individual, as a believer in Jesus Christ, as a daughter and sister, a mother and aunt, a friend and colleague, a student and employee, an entrepreneur, and volunteer. A woman who loves and has been loved, who has been married and divorced, who has been hurt and has hurt others. A woman of color, a woman of intellect, of courage and compassion, of fear and innocence, of shame and arrogance. A woman who can be both powerful and weak, who can be trustworthy yet trust no one completely, who can rise to great heights but fall to equally great depths just as fast. A woman, both complex and utterly simple, who am I? That is the true question because I have come to the conclusion, I have no idea.

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.”

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

I know who I am to all those around me, who have entered and exited my life space, who have become intertwined in my self imposed legacy of awe. Yet, I do not know who I am to myself. I struggle with my own individual identity. I attend a mostly white church, surrounded by mostly white employees (management and staff alike), my best friend is a white woman, my ex-husband is Hispanic, and while my children are not biracial (both are “black”), neither of them have any significant nor meaningful relationship with their fathers (who are both black), thus the construct begins. Why? Why do I make the choices I make to be all these different things to all these different people? Does it make me better, seem better, feel better, do better? Does it fulfill a sense of purpose or entitlement? Does it help quince a thirst, a need to feel needed, wanted, loved, important, irreplaceable?

Bob Marley isn’t my name. I don’t even know my name yet.

― Bob Marley

Then I think to myself, why does my name mean so much to me? Does it define me? Does it really speak to who I am, what I do, where I came from, where I am going, or what I am worth? Does it speak to the matters of my heart, mind, or soul? Does it convey my convictions or concerns? Does it provide enlightenment or encouragement, or a sense of empowerment, all of the things that I hope to be, do, and provide to others who dare enter into my mindscape. What is it about my name that says this is who I am, hear me?

Several months back I gave a speech at a baptism, on the program it said, Sis. Chay. A member of the clergy jokingly said, the Sister otherwise known as “Chay”. I thought to myself at that moment, ha, that fits me somehow. Which made me smile and, in the same breath, ponder as to why that was.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

― W.C. Fields

So now I sit and wonder what it would be like to go by a name, instead of two or three. First and last name; first, middle, and last name; first, middle, maiden, and married last name….so many choices for women and these are just a few. I think sometimes we often think too hard about what our name is instead of what our name could mean. I think that if we discover who we are as an individual to ourselves then our names could reflect that self-image to others to see it as clearly as we do. Our name, the meaning behind it, can turn into something far greater with far more influence and purpose than we could have ever imagined.

Proper names are poetry in the raw. Like all poetry they are untranslatable.

― W.H. Auden

Even as I write this I have to think to myself, what would have happened if my mother and aunts and her best friend had decided on a different name for me, who would I have become then? Could I have been an entirely different person with an entirely different mindset? Could I have had a completely different perspective and view of the world as I know it? Would my values and belief system be the same or different? Could I have loved differently, fought differently, seen myself differently? What does it all mean? What is in a name and how does it help shape us into who we grow to become?

Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.

― Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

I think that when we look in the mirror our reflection is not just what looks back at us, but what and whom our mind whispers to us at that moment, who we are. It is all tied to our own opinion of who we are, what we are worth, what we are worthy for, and where we are destined to go and become. This all ties into our self-esteem, our view of our place in society, and our place in the world. It speaks volumes about how we judge ourselves to be.

Self-esteem refers to the positive (high self-esteem) or negative (low self-esteem) feelings that we have about ourselves. We experience the positive feelings of high self-esteem when we believe that we are good and worthy and that others view us positively. We experience the negative feelings of low self-esteem when we believe that we are inadequate and less worthy than others.

https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/the-feeling-self-self-esteem/

I think I should like to go by just one name, a name of my choosing, one that benefits and propels me to higher heights. I think that I rather like the sound of the Sister otherwise known as Chay. While my birth name is Chandra, and I love and marvel at it, it is hard for most of the world to say correctly, and that, frankly, irritates the living snots out of me. Chay, although many would spell it, Shea, because of how I pronounce it, is very simple yet elegant, calming in its duality, and beautiful in its complexity. This is why, in my work and personal life, I have used this name so much that most people think it is my birth name. Then I tell the story of how it became to be my name and people just are in awe of it. Chay is easy, fun, light, and unique in its own right.

Now, imagine my surprise in researching for this piece that the name Chay is actually not as unique as I thought it was. Turns out Chay is Germanic in heritage, a version of Charles, and can be used as a unisex name. Interesting, fascinating, intriguing that even the name I selected for myself is not my own, that it was owned and continues to be owned by others before I and others will come after me. So again, what is in a name if it cannot be uniquely and directly tied to one individual for all time and eternity?

Our names are labels, plainly printed on the bottled essence of our past behavior.

― Logan Pearsall Smith

Our name or names is what we make it out to be. Who we choose to be, become, grow into, do, love, care for, and believe in has no barring on our name at all, but rather our own desire to be that which we desire to be. I used to have a lot of anxiety about my name, if I should change it, drop it, carry it, dissect it, you get the picture. Our names have become labels that define and often restrict us. We are known by our names, our legacy and heritage is often connected to it, and a lot of times we are deemed good or bad depending on the carriers or our name who had it before or even after us. There are entire families who are not able to outlive the shame of what an ancestor has done which has caused a blight on their family name. At least, that is how they feel. While there are others who live off the legacy and accomplishments made by past generations who carried their family name. But, can you truly be judged, good or bad, by the decisions of someone else simply because you share the same name? Should you be?

I’m gonna tell a real story. I’m gonna start with my name.

― Kendrick Lamar

At the end of the day, I like all of my names. My maiden name, Hulbert, has significant meaning to me because it is the name of the man who decided to be my father, by doing so, he gave me the identity and privilege of being his chosen daughter. That is the very definition of love. I like my married name, Pinto Martinez even though I am divorced now because it is as unique as it is beautiful. It speaks of a romance that was foreign, undefinable, unimaginable, fantasy turned reality, and while short-lived, it was amazingly and poetically divine. I like my first name, Chandra, because its very definition means moon goddess, I mean who would not want to be considered and called a goddess? But also it is because my mothers’ best friend named me that, and there are a legacy and elegant story behind how it came to be. I like my middle name, Lynette, because it can be shortened as Lynn, which I have also used, and the shared name of Lynn Whitfield, also a native of Baton Rouge, LA, a powerful black female actress, and one of my favorite people. She played Josephine Baker, who is also one of my favorite singers, and it was when I saw that film, I fell in love with the name Lynn and began using it for many years until I met another wonderful Lynn, my son’s grandmother Everlyn, who goes by Lynn for short. Then it was just weird to have two of us, so I dropped the Lynn and went with Chay.

You’re not a star until they can spell your name in Karachi.

― Humphrey Bogart

Your mission, should you accept it, is to discover who you are without the burden of your name previously defining that for you. Your name should not be a label, restricting you from unearthing who you are as an individual. Rather, it should be seen and used as a tool to mark your path on your journey toward self-realization of who you are and who you are destined to become.